The Silly Scoville Scale

No Scovilles

This is the type of pepper that just isn’t hot. Paris Hilton obviously wouldn’t like this pepper, and thus she decidedly disapproves. You can find this at your local supermarket and stuff them with cheese and meats to make up for their lack of heat. We’re not impressed. NEXT.

<2,500 Scovilles

You may detect a glimmer of heat from these peppers. The common peppers in this category are the Ancho or Poblano. Grandma did indeed try these once, and she barely even flinched. I also think I heard her call me a “wuss” under her breath, but I’m not 100% sure.

TLDR: Still not that hot.

2,500-10K Scovilles

Starting to warm up a bit here, but nothing scary. Jalapenos fall into this category, and you can turn those into “poppers.” How intimidating can a “popper” of any sort really be? Not that intimidating. I’ve had more discomfort eating too much wasabi on my sushi rolls than when eating one of these peppers.

10K – 50K Scovilles

Okay, so it’s kind of hot, whatever.. I stuck my tongue out at my mom once and she took out the tabasco sauce and made me have a little bit. I cried a little, but I was like 10. Now I’m a grown up, and I put this stuff on cheap pizza to make it taste better. I mean, it’s kind of hot…but I’m not afraid of it.

50K – 100K Scovilles

Story time! I love Thai food. The noodles, the intricate flavors, the sweet, delicious basil dishes. Yum. However, they tend to use this pepper in their food…and when you order and say that you want it “Thai Spicy,” they take that to mean that you want to eat fire for dinner. I learned this from experience. So that’s what this category of Scovilles feels like. Starting to get less silly, here.

100K – 500K Scovilles

Sometimes, when you eat something, the experience is fleeting. A piece of chocolate, a scoop of ice cream. One second filled with delicious satisfaction, the next second, gone.

Not with a Habanero. Good luck the next morning. You’ll probably want to stock up on these before you try eating any raw Habanero peppers. Also, prepare the milk.

500K – 1M Scovilles

Did you know that capsaicin is the compound found in peppers that makes them hot? Did you know that it is most likely present to deter insects?

Well, it has the side effect of causing small animals to spontaneously combust* on contact. These types of peppers are devilishly hot, and the pepper names start to reflect the level of torture on the palate.

*probably not true.

1-2 Million Scovilles

The Ghost Pepper. Sound familiar? It was once the world’s hottest pepper, and was the first pepper to read over 1,000,000 Scoville units. It may have lost the throne, but it is still #*&@^n hot. Eating this type of pepper is most likely going to cause some crying, and the sweat you produce could make a pot of soup too spicy for Grandma (who’s a wuss now?).

2 Million+ Scovilles

I have one question. Why? No no no…just…why, though? Also, how? How does one pepper the size of a golf ball ruin a grown man’s day? The answer will likely never be found, but the Carolina Reaper will do just that. Eat one of these and your day is over. Probably some of tomorrow, too.

Buy some here!!

5,000,000 Scovilles

We’ve moved beyond the hot pepper, but the Silly Scovilles Scale doesn’t stop there. Capsaicin, the hot stuff that is in peppers, is used in high-grade pepper spray to temporarily blind people.

I don’t know what this feels like, but if I ever find out, I don’t think I’ll be worried about the pain as much as the jail time.

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